Saturday, October 07, 2006

Reality Check

As the date of departure nears, I find myself worrying more than I ever expected.

I have lived my entire life in Minnesota, (excepting a brief study-abroad in Greece) and have constructed an identity here, for which I suppose I am now in a bit of mourning. I made a home, a family, a career, and an extensive network. Now I am leaving it all behind, and the demons of sadness and doubt have crept into my heart and brain like stealthy burglars.

I am going to assume that this is natural.

Another interesting tidbit is that La Ceiba lost a bit of its luster for me during recent trips. I saw things that disturbed me - things which I had not previously noted. (Same goes for Utila this summer - I actually saw and was approached by the drug dealers, which was a new thing.) I don't know if things have changed or if my attitude has changed. I suspect that it's more attitude. As I attempt to plot a realistic course, I am becoming acutely aware of all the challenges that await me... challenges that I had the blissful ability to ignore as a simple visitor.

Anyway, many have expressed their skepticism and concern for what I am about to do, and a few have predicted that I will be back home in a flash, after I realize what a "dangerous, corrupt, third world shithole" I'm in, and how my age, sex and nationality makes me a glowing target for even the garden variety bad guys.

I know that even as it is expressed in this uncouth fashion, the naysayers do have some basis to their arguments. I am indeed a bit scared. Hell, I cannot count on both hands how many residents of Honduras have told me "don't trust ANYONE!!!" My own cousin's father-in-law told me to live there for six months minimum before investing a penny. Lots of people have gotten screwed in La Ceiba. Some have lost their savings. Others have been shot at. Still others have gotten cocky and had their property vandalized by irate workers. Gang activity is huge, and the drug biz is endemic. I hear the stories. I know what can happen.

But I'm still going. I believe in my plan and more importantly, I believe in the value of pursuing a dream. I would rather fail and return to a boring bureaucratic job in my leafy-green city than always wonder if I could have succeeded.

And besides - I have other plans waiting in the wings, so I need to get this one going to make room for the future endeavors... :-)

9 Comments:

At 8:40 PM, Blogger La Gringa said...

Ooooohh. El Jefe and I were sad to read this.

I think the "demons of sadness" are perfectly normal whenever anyone makes such a big change in their life.

It is a good thing, though, to take off the rose colored glasses. You are more likely to succeed with your eyes wide open.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger DON GODO said...

I was scared when I first started reading "reality check" that you were changing your mind, but then I was relieved when I got to the end and saw your determination to continue.

Its normal to have second thoughts and to second guess decisions we have made. But I know if you don't continue on this journey, you will regret it later because you would always wonder "what if..."

It's one thing to try something and fail, but its far worse never to have tried at all...

I can tell you have spunk, and I know you will succeed. Besides, La Ceiba needs a good eating spot...

Just for the record, I'm constantly having second thoughts about my family's decision to relocate to Honduras, and for me its a very difficult period because I'm living by myself and miss my family very much.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger thephoenixnyc said...

I think your attitude is spot on. You have recognized the downside as wellas the upside.

Addtionally you have faced yoru fears, suspicions, worries and doubts and you have faced your natural feelings of leaving all that you know behind, and yet...

You are going for it, taking a chance, making the leap, doing what most people don't hav ethe guts or means to attempt.

You have already succeeded as I see it.

BTW, I thought the place you were moving to was a resort town, this sounds more like and urban situation.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger It's me LD said...

As I read this, I remembered myself two years ago selling all my things in Toronto and wondering what the heck I was doing. But there was still a big part of me that knew it's what I had to do.

It's good that you're aware of what you're getting into. And of course you're scared.

But I think that sometimes the things that scare us the most in the end turn out to be the most satisfying and amazing experiences we have.

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger Katrina said...

I'm moving to La Ceiba on November 15th to teach English to 1st graders, and I must say that it is a little nerve racking. But - everyone in my life is EXTREMELY supportive, thank goodness.

It helps that my sister lived in a tiny town about an hour from San Pedro Sula called Quimistan for a year and a half.

We're the adventureous sort.

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger Bound for Ceiba said...

I knew you guys would relate... and I think for me it's more about leaving my home and all that goes with it, rather than fear of La Ceiba per se.

And Phoenix: I would not use the term "resort town" to describe La Ceiba, though there are folks making resorts, they are typically a few miles or more outside of the city. I guess La Ceiba could be described as urban-on-the-beach.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Bound for Ceiba said...

PS - Katrina, I would love to chat with you more about your move to La Ceiba but I cannot seem to get to your blogger page. Send me an email! :-)

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger jungle said...

you're going through a natural phase of grief because the old you is dying. but a new you is being born. i'm glad you're not giving up.

your cousins father in law has some very good advice, though, i would say give it a year before you buy.

this way you get a good over-all view of life in ceiba and you'll get to know some good local people who can help you find better property for a lot less money.

hang in there!

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger rudygiron said...

Fear only fear... btw here are the two websites of Katrina.

http://katrina038.blogspot.com/
http://katrina038.livejournal.com/

You can reach them directly from her Blogger profile.

 

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